In role 1, I was the "cool ass chick" as "The Man" put it as we texted about how his day was going, a problem he was having at work, and my advice about how to resolve it. I was caring, concerned, and full of good solid advice about how a professional should handle such a situation and what steps he could take to resolve the issue. Very mature of me and very much the role of doting girlfriend. He said he was blessed that he has met me and made the above referenced "cool ass chick" comment.
At the same time, in role 2, I had a detailed conversation going with the Fireman. Very different from role 1, I was upfront, daring, and strictly sexual, teasing him with talk of what I wanted to do to him next time we are together, wild and up for anything. He reciprocated with equally graphic detail of what he was going to do to me, what he wanted me to feel, and how it would end. It was unrestricted and raw. He at one point made the comment "we have a great relationship, we have great sex!"
So which is the truth? Which is the real me? Or are they both just roles I have adopted in an attempt to please the man that the the role is attached to and I am really someone totally different from either of them? It's hard to tell when the lines get blurred and the shades of grey all start to run together where one ends and the other begins. I have found a way to compartmentalize myself, be whatever the situation or person wants me to, and then flip it on or off at will.
Is this a mastered skill or a fatal flaw? Will I know myself when it comes time to live my truth? Or will it be too late? Will I even recognize myself?